Which Allied Health Professional Would Survive a Zombie Attack (and Why)

June 24, 2016


Which Allied Health Professional Would Survive a Zombie Attack (and Why) daveynin / Flickr / CC BY

Allied healthcare professionals: integral parts of our healthcare system who work with millions of patients every day. We’ve discussed which of these careers is the highest paid, which offer the greatest growth opportunities, and even shared touching personal stories of how students found new careers in allied health. But now comes the big question: how prepared are they?

How prepared are they for a zombie attack?

Will phlebotomy come in handy when tackling the bloodless undead? Will Cardiovascular Technologists be able to use their technical skills to fashion makeshift weapons? Tough questions that need to be answered.

Diagnostic Medical Sonographers

 zenobia_joy / Flickr / CC BY 

These are the folks who use ultrasounds to peek inside your body and diagnose internal conditions. Essential for new mothers or people who suspect there might be something wrong with their kidneys, but how important are they when swarms of undead are coming for us?

Well, their familiarity with the body’s internal structure will undoubtedly be good for helping fellow survivors with the myriad of injuries they’re sure to acquire in the chaotic aftermath of an outbreak. Sadly, this knowledge of the living body will not be very helpful against the undead as they don’t have babies, kidneys, or much interest in diagnosing anything.

Still, the intrepid diagnostic medical sonographer has other advantages. With a mean salary of over $28, hopefully they have enough money stuffed in a mattress somewhere to procure weapons and food before things get too bad. That just might save them.

Chance of survival: FAIR

MRI Technologists

It’s hard to sugar coat this. MRI machines are big, costly, and require a fair bit of electricity and highly trained staff to operate. It’s hard to foresee many being operational once the undead are roaming the streets of our major cities. So what’s an MRI Technologist to do

Not much, they may have a lot of the same knowledge of the body’s internal workings as diagnostic medical sonographers, but that won't get you too far.

They have some technical skills, but more related to operating complex machinery than, say, building a radio from scratch to contact other colonies of survivors. Still, there is the possibility of using the magnetic elements of the MRI to turn small metal objects into projectiles, but that’s not going to work forever. Better use that MRI to block the doors and hope someone brought a lot of snacks.

Chance of survival: POOR

Medical Assistants

 The swiss army knife of allied healthcare, medical assistants do a bit of almost everything. Medical terminology, anatomy, phlebotomy, laboratory techniques, pharmacology, first aid, some administrative work, you name it, they have a hand in it. That’s good news for them because the one certainty with a zombie apocalypse is that it will be unpredictable. 

We’re all going to need flexible people with diverse skill sets. Medical assistants can help the wounded or help create an organizational structure for your survivalist colony.

They can help figure out what you can do with the stash you raided from that abandoned pharmacy or help diagnose that pain in your abdomen. These folks are going to be the heroes of the post zombie world; we could all use a few by our side.

Chance of survival: GOOD

Surgical Technologists

sharkhats / Flickr / CC BY-NC

A good surgeon should always have a great right hand person. That person is a surgical technologist. They’re on hand to assist in surgery prep, ensuring the room is sterile, and distributing surgical instruments.

That means they’re team players. Working well with others is an important skill considering heroes are often the first to get eaten. Not to mention, having access to surgical instruments which can be used to fashion various anti-zombie weapons is a big plus.

Their general medical knowledge should also help. They may not be able to perform heart surgery, but helping someone injured by falling debris or a poorly thrown 2x4 will probably be in their wheelhouse. In general, you can never have enough well rounded team players with excellent basic medical knowledge.

Chance of Survival: GOOD

Medical Billing & Coding Specialists

This is one of the fastest growing allied healthcare careers for a reason, medical billing & coding specialists are key to keeping records accurate and costs down. They’ve got attention to detail and deep knowledge of how hospitals and clinics operate. Sadly, attention to detail is only likely to slow you down when you’re trying to escape hordes of the walking dead.

So what’s the prognosis for a medical billing & coding specialist? Well, their skills will certainly come in handy when it comes time to rebuild society. The only question is whether they’ll make it that far. Sadly for them, their skills aren’t likely to be much use when it comes to helping the wounded or killing zombies, so making it that far might be tricky.

Still, we can always hope for the best.

Chances of Survival: POOR

What Have We Learned?

Team players with diverse skills and a keen sense of how to help in a medical pinch are essential for surviving a zombie apocalypse. It seems that the MA programs will prepare you better than the rest. Still, with teamwork, we think everyone here could pull through. 

The good news for anyone interested is that those same survival skills are great for anyone looking for employment opportunities in allied healthcare.

If you think you’ve got what it takes to handle whatever comes your way, consider applying to train for your new allied healthcare career.